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From:

borntolove

Hallo.

[It's a rather weak hello over his usual cheerful hello's. There's a long pause and Ten places his hands partly in front of his face. He's already said 'hello' and he can't talk to Rose because Rose would just say just be Fluffy and Nine already upset what he's done to Ten. A whisper]

What am I?

[A pause]

No, really. What am I?

[This shouldn't be a question; it really should not]

Nautilus makes me need to sleep. And has taken away my time sight. Even if it would only be stagnant time to look at.

[A pause; a much longer pause]

And - [Ten squeaks out] It's rather un Time Lordy of me to have such a board range of emotions. To understand such a board range of emotions.

But - how my previous life dies - affects how the next version of me will be.

[Another pause]

And I told you - when I was born. I choose my eye color for a human. For Rose.

Yes, I remember things that happened before but - ... I don't know. Being around my past selves sometimes, I feel out of place with them.

[A pause]

And they'll never say it to my face but I think some of me look down on me and are disappointed in what their future is.

From:

motherofresistance

[Not his usual cheerful hello, no. But Leia gives him a slight smile for a moment anyway to reassure him, since his troubled state is obvious before he even says a word.]

That's a difficult question. Genetically speaking, you're still a Time Lord, unless you've been tinkering with your DNA without telling anyone. But otherwise... hmm...

[Leia thinks for a long moment.]

I'm honestly not sure if I'm qualified to answer you there. Or if that's even the question you should be asking. In Nautilus, people can change what they are at the drop of a hat, sometime willingly, sometimes not. I was a unicorn a while ago; now I'm human again. Even just coming to Nautilus could be considered a fundamental change to what we are.

What I've always put more stock in- and what it seems you're really concerned about- is who you are. On your own, in relation to your other selves, and in relation to the rest of Nautilus.

From what I understand, you weren't really what most of your peers would have considered a 'proper' Time Lord to begin with, given that you ran off to travel time and space and actually do something, as opposed to just being content with the status quo. Which I approve of, by the way; I've always been the same way myself, wanting to get out there and actually do some good, as opposed to just sitting around talking about things.

But once you understand something there's no going back to not understanding it, not really; like it or not, that's part of you now. Do you regret the choice you made? Choosing to match yourself more closely to Rose, to take the first step in exploring that broader range of emotions?

As for your other selves, I can't presume to speak for them. But I do know that I sometimes wonder what my younger self would think of the woman I've become. Would she be disappointed in me, in the decisions I've made? Would she be as angry with me as I once was at Mon Mothma when she was in a similar position to the one I'm in now? Would she understand the compromises I've made, forgive the mistakes I've made, or would she resent me for them? Would we even be able to relate to each other at all? No way to know, really.

If they're disappointed, then that's their right; you can't control what they feel. But you are their future. None of of them know all the things that led you to where you are. Every choice you've made back home, every lesson you've learned, every moment you've lived; the only one who knows all that is you. Now that doesn't make you necessarily better than them- we've already been over that ground- but it does mean that you have a unique point of view. You can look back on the memories you have from when you were them, think back on the choices and decisions you made then and understand them perfectly thanks to the benefit of hindsight.

None of them have such a luxury with you, not even Nine. Some part of you is always going to be a mystery to them, and I doubt they enjoy that prospect any more than you enjoy them having memories you don't share with them thanks to you all being separate here.

As for the rest of it... that's up to you. As I said, you can't control what they feel, but you can control yourself and your reaction to it. Do you stand by the decisions that have brought you this far? Do you feel you made the best, or perhaps the only choice possible under the circumstances? Do you acknowledge the mistakes you've made and try to make up for the ones you can? Do you feel like they have good reason to be disappointed?

From:

borntolove

[More so to his other selves at this point; Ten is convinced that his relation in Nautilus is to take care of all the children. There’s a quick smile that Leia approves of him not being satisfied with the status qou and with a firm whisper replies to the question about Rose and broader range of emotions.]

No.

[On the flip-side; also set himself up to hurt. Really, really, really hurt and Ten’s brown puppy dog eyes show this; the hurt that was already felt. Yes, it’s good to feel; but – to feel this much – he set himself up to self-destruct at some point. There’s no way that he can live for centuries being able to feel how he does and not.
And blinks in agreement that Ten can’t control what they feel about how their future turned out.

Ten can look back in hindsight]

I've never been one much to look back.

[For the most part – Ten is able to look back. Apparently, there are some – gaps and whispers]

Yeah.

[About them having separate memories while being here. The last part is tricky. Very tricky. Because he can’t stand by the decisions that brought him this far –

No More

Even if that was the only possible choice under the circumstances. But – Seven and tricking Davros to destroy Skaro. That. And how Eight ran from the Time War – not wanting to be involved. Four was so clever with Devros. How was Four's way of thinking lost? After being silent for a very long time and seeming distant whispers]

Yes, they do have a good reason.

[A big sigh]

And they know – mostly.

[Skaro to Ten’s knowledge hasn’t been discussed with Four]

Edited Date: 2017-06-01 02:53 am (UTC)

From:

motherofresistance

[Leia listened as he gave short- in some cases one word- answers to her questions. Again, not like him; he was usually very talkative.

When he was done, though, she felt she should address the last point first.]

They might know what happened after their time, but do they know how you felt when it was happening, or afterward? The thought process behind the decisions you made? There are places you've been that they haven't yet, people you've met that they haven't yet; do they know what your first impressions of them were? How those places looked and sounded and smelled and felt? The ridiculous souvenir trinket that you bought at one location and how the food tasted at that little cafe you found later? [Leia shook her head.] No. Only you have the complete picture of all that.

[The hurt in those eyes didn't escape her notice, though. Leia knows about hurting. And she also knows about healing.]

You don't regret your choice to take on the emotions you have, but I can tell it hasn't been easy for you. Letting yourself feel never is. It means learning what it really means to hurt. But it also means learning how to heal. Though despite your name, something tells me you're not so good at the latter; am I right?

[She passed over the notion that his past selves had reason to be disappointed in him for now; they'd deal with that shortly.]

From:

borntolove

[Do they know how that moment felt? Ten isn't sure. Nine cut off the memory link too soon. Though - Ten is rather sure the thought process, if that wasn't shown, was at least explained.

There's a faint smile - at all the places that have been visited.

Apple grass.

Not to mention the things that Ten has licked so far - but wasn't going to mention that; outside of a slight tongue click.

Almost a complete picture. There seem to be some holes in the swiss cheese; probably because of the Time War and Zagreus.]

It's a work in progress. Rose helped a lot. When she found me... I was worse. Much worse.

[Though, Ten doesn't mean Ten - Ten means Nine]

From:

motherofresistance

Hmm, yes, I've noticed. Very prickly, your previous self. I know he has his reasons, but still sometimes I can't decide whether I like him or want to punch him in the nose. Or both.

[Rose has way more patience than she would, dealing with Nine.]

I suppose it's always a work in progress, though, learning to heal. I know it is for me, even today.

It's good that you have Rose to lean on here. But at the same time, it's not good to hang everything on her; I don't think anyone wants a repeat of what happened the last time you two had a big fight. And there probably will be other big fights; two passionate people with strong personalities in a relationship, friction is bound to happen, no matter how much you love each other.

From:

borntolove

[There's a slight head nod with a raise brow; just a bit of reason - yeah about Nine being prickly. Though, Ten is also concerned on upon returning - knowing Martha and Donna are in his future and according to Jane at least they have a better ending and that Martha did Ten well apparently according to Donna. But how much does he care about Martha and Donna? Is he able to actually hold them both at arms length Four had been able to do and not damage himself emotionally with having seven companions and not falling apart like Ten had with just Rose? For a moment Ten rubs the side of his forehead in a circular motion with his fingers.]

I've been meditating. And having moments to fill my hearts up to give myself a chance to fight myself off should that happen again.

[A pause and whisper with sad brown puppy eyes]

I know... It's not fair that everything hangs on her.

[A large exhale]

Nine - died to save her. And he hadn't had anyone with him for quite some time.

[Another slight exhale with full hand across the forehead and leaning forward]

And probably feels bad for messing me up.

[A pause and leans backwards]

How are other ways you can heal?

From:

motherofresistance

[Leia nods.]

Meditation is helpful with a number of things; its one aspect of Jedi training the I'm glad Luke turned me on to. I try to make time to do it a little bit every day, usually first thing in the morning. As is taking time to remember positive things, if I'm understanding you correctly; sometimes light is in very short supply, and those sorts of memories can make all the difference.

Yes, I can see Nine feeling that way. Given that you don't regret the change, I wouldn't really say he 'messed you up', at least not in the way you're referring to. But I bet he would; like a great many things, whether he messed you up on not depends greatly on your point of view, and from what I've seen, his point of view tends to skew into the negative when it comes to himself. His own incarnation of yourself, that is, not all of yourself in general.

[Regarding other ways to heal, Leia thinks for a moment, trying to sift out general advice from things specific to her own situation.]

Well you're doing one of them right now; reaching out to someone you trust for support. Contrary to what some might think, reaching out for help now and then doesn't make you weak or needy. Being able to admit that you don't have all the answers and that you can't do everything on your own all the time is a sign of maturity. Not to mention an important skill in a relationship.

And though it may sound counterintuitive at first, letting yourself actually feel the pain from time to time is important. Sometimes it's necessary to compartmentalize things, put mourning or anger away for a more appropriate time, but keeping things bottled up forever or trying to pretend that your feelings don't exist isn't healthy and just leaves you unprepared to deal with the emotions when they inevitably resurface. Doing that is a major flaw in the Jedi way of thinking, and I'm willing to bet was one factor in the old order's downfall.

So don't be afraid to let it out once in awhile, even if it's just in private. Break down and have a good cry. Beat the kriff out of a punching bag or training droid. Put your feelings into art or music. Type out or otherwise record an angry rant to delete later. Scream into a pillow. The method doesn't really matter as long you're not doing yourself or someone else any harm or damaging anything irreplaceable, but catharsis is important.

From:

borntolove

He thinks he set me up to really hurt. [The way Ten looks at Leia; it’s obvious that something has already caused that to happen and then a deep sigh]
Don’t get me started on how Nine sees himself. The only reason I forgive his down talking on himself is because I know how he feels. I remember how he feels…. And honestly – I sort of went back to that.

[Sigh] When I came here in back in July – I wasn’t in the best place either. Yeah– Nine’s only hard on himself [sigh] because he doesn’t think he should have his name be The Doctor… He hasn’t earned that back in his mind. Which you really can't blame him for that thinking.

[Then sits with his hands together in front of his mouth and slightly nods on and off. ]

Whut about bending?

Edited Date: 2017-06-17 01:20 am (UTC)

From:

motherofresistance

If that had been his intention? Then I might agree with him. But as I understand it, he didn't do anything more than act according to his nature; your nature. Whatever face you're wearing at the moment, you seem like a man who does his best to help others, especially those close to you. It's just that sometimes that has unintended consequences.

[Something she clearly knows all about, given her tone.]

I understand being in that sort of state, yes. I've been in some pretty bad mental places myself over the years. But why doesn't he think his name should be the Doctor? If you don't mind explaining, of course; I'd just rather avoid any potential emotional minefields while dealing with him.

As for Bending, I don't see why that couldn't be a form of catharsis too. As long as the same rules are followed, that is; nothing that harms yourself or anyone else or damages something irreplaceable.

From:

borntolove

[No. Never the intention but it does hurt as Ten squints his eyes a bit; because Nine has a point and somehow Ten wouldn't be surprised if Nine wants to go back and change things a bit. So Ten is different and has more alien feelings. Like a Time Lord should have. To have less empathy and not to openly love so much.

Then states dreadfully with a really low tone and his persona seeming to grow distant]

War.

[There's a head nod; of course, no harm would come to others or damage to come to the property. However, doesn't mean he won't maybe push himself to beyond his limits and pass out.]

Edited Date: 2017-06-17 11:32 pm (UTC)

From:

motherofresistance

[She sighs.]

It usually is, isn't it? Though I'm afraid you'll need to be a bit more specific than that; there's a lot of things about war that could put someone in a very bad mental place.

[If Leia is the one who finds him after such an escapade, he may well get scolded for it. Because going until you pass out could fall under the 'harming yourself' category if it's not an accident.]

From:

borntolove

[There's a slight head nod]

In general.

[Meaning, maybe Ten doesn't want to go into it either on a few levels]

From:

motherofresistance

[Well, that's super informative.]

I take it it has something to do with why you feel your past selves have good reason to be disappointed in you?

[It's not really a question, since that's pretty easy to reason out.]

Which means there's probably more to it than just the general circumstances that come along with war.

[Attempting gentle prompting at first, not wanting to make this harder that it has to be.]

From:

borntolove

[There's a firm head nod and pressed lips]

From:

motherofresistance

[Alright, somewhat less gentle.]

Which most likely means that it's either something you did, or something you didn't do. Potentially both at different points. But that still covers a lot of territory.

[pause]

I understand that this is difficult for you too, and you don't need to tell me the whole story. But I do need at least a general idea of what happened if I'm going to avoid causing you and your other selves problems in the future.

From:

borntolove

[Ten is silent and also eyes Leia as if she's trying to wiggle out of the bottle - what happened and somewhat firmly states]

Just in general.

From:

motherofresistance

[She kind of is, though she opts to drop it for now and try a different approach.]

Alright then, lets try this; would you be willing to tell me why you're convinced that your past selves are justified in being disappointed in you? Because honestly, I'm not seeing much cause for it. Aside from the fact that you're as stubborn as a herd of nerfs, of course, but that seems to be something all of you shares to varying degrees.

From:

borntolove

Because I never wanted to get involved...

I ran... I ran for a very long time... But one day - it got so bad thar wasn't anywhere to run anymore.

All of time and space and nowhere to run anymore..

Edited Date: 2017-07-04 03:17 am (UTC)

From:

motherofresistance

[Leia nodded.]

That's a more common situation than you'd think. Especially back during the Galactic Civil War; a lot of people who ended up joining the Rebellion had spent their time running from what was happening to the galaxy- figuratively or literally- until something happened that forced them to stop. To take a good look around at where the galaxy was going and decide they had to take action.

What was it that finally made you stop?

From:

borntolove

[A pause and sigh]

I crashed. Thought I was dead. Expect I woke up and when I woke up I knew where I was. A place I had been before very long ago. They are very powerful psychics. Probably in my entire universe. I helped them back many lives ago; and for that they brought me back to life and the choice to choose how my next life would be - if I helped with the war I was running from. Otherwise, they were going to let me die and where I was it wasn't possible to regenerate. And - if I didn't help they were saying that universe was going to end.

I didn't know at the time but what - Rassilon [The rage!] had planned the universe was going to end one way or another.

From:

motherofresistance

Alright, I admit, that's a new one, if only due to regeneration being an ability that's unique to your species as far as I know.

[You sound like you feel about Rassilon about the same way she feels about Palpitine.]

I'm assuming Rassilon didn't succeed in his plan; if he did, I doubt we'd be here talking about it like this. But was your intervention as pivotal in preventing it as these psychics thought it would be?

From:

borntolove

[Dry, quiet and hollow]

No. He wasn't.

[At her last question - she may see all the knots his stomach makes on his face and only replies by nodding his head]

From:

motherofresistance

[There's a lot in that nod and Leia is quiet for a long moment, extrapolating and correlating what she knows, and what she's been able to deduce from what has and hasn't been said.]

So you prevented Rassilon's plan from coming to fruition... but doing so cost more than you can reconcile.

[If there was one thing Leia understood it was loss. And whatever stopping Rassilon's insane plan had cost the Doctor, it was obviously enough to make it seem like a pyrrhic victory to him.]