motherofresistance | IC Inbox (Wake)- Video/Audio/Text/Action

From:

Hallo.

[It's a rather weak hello over his usual cheerful hello's. There's a long pause and Ten places his hands partly in front of his face. He's already said 'hello' and he can't talk to Rose because Rose would just say just be Fluffy and Nine already upset what he's done to Ten. A whisper]

What am I?

[A pause]

No, really. What am I?

[This shouldn't be a question; it really should not]

Nautilus makes me need to sleep. And has taken away my time sight. Even if it would only be stagnant time to look at.

[A pause; a much longer pause]

And - [Ten squeaks out] It's rather un Time Lordy of me to have such a board range of emotions. To understand such a board range of emotions.

But - how my previous life dies - affects how the next version of me will be.

[Another pause]

And I told you - when I was born. I choose my eye color for a human. For Rose.

Yes, I remember things that happened before but - ... I don't know. Being around my past selves sometimes, I feel out of place with them.

[A pause]

And they'll never say it to my face but I think some of me look down on me and are disappointed in what their future is.

From:

motherofresistance

[Not his usual cheerful hello, no. But Leia gives him a slight smile for a moment anyway to reassure him, since his troubled state is obvious before he even says a word.]

That's a difficult question. Genetically speaking, you're still a Time Lord, unless you've been tinkering with your DNA without telling anyone. But otherwise... hmm...

[Leia thinks for a long moment.]

I'm honestly not sure if I'm qualified to answer you there. Or if that's even the question you should be asking. In Nautilus, people can change what they are at the drop of a hat, sometime willingly, sometimes not. I was a unicorn a while ago; now I'm human again. Even just coming to Nautilus could be considered a fundamental change to what we are.

What I've always put more stock in- and what it seems you're really concerned about- is who you are. On your own, in relation to your other selves, and in relation to the rest of Nautilus.

From what I understand, you weren't really what most of your peers would have considered a 'proper' Time Lord to begin with, given that you ran off to travel time and space and actually do something, as opposed to just being content with the status quo. Which I approve of, by the way; I've always been the same way myself, wanting to get out there and actually do some good, as opposed to just sitting around talking about things.

But once you understand something there's no going back to not understanding it, not really; like it or not, that's part of you now. Do you regret the choice you made? Choosing to match yourself more closely to Rose, to take the first step in exploring that broader range of emotions?

As for your other selves, I can't presume to speak for them. But I do know that I sometimes wonder what my younger self would think of the woman I've become. Would she be disappointed in me, in the decisions I've made? Would she be as angry with me as I once was at Mon Mothma when she was in a similar position to the one I'm in now? Would she understand the compromises I've made, forgive the mistakes I've made, or would she resent me for them? Would we even be able to relate to each other at all? No way to know, really.

If they're disappointed, then that's their right; you can't control what they feel. But you are their future. None of of them know all the things that led you to where you are. Every choice you've made back home, every lesson you've learned, every moment you've lived; the only one who knows all that is you. Now that doesn't make you necessarily better than them- we've already been over that ground- but it does mean that you have a unique point of view. You can look back on the memories you have from when you were them, think back on the choices and decisions you made then and understand them perfectly thanks to the benefit of hindsight.

None of them have such a luxury with you, not even Nine. Some part of you is always going to be a mystery to them, and I doubt they enjoy that prospect any more than you enjoy them having memories you don't share with them thanks to you all being separate here.

As for the rest of it... that's up to you. As I said, you can't control what they feel, but you can control yourself and your reaction to it. Do you stand by the decisions that have brought you this far? Do you feel you made the best, or perhaps the only choice possible under the circumstances? Do you acknowledge the mistakes you've made and try to make up for the ones you can? Do you feel like they have good reason to be disappointed?

From:

borntolove

[More so to his other selves at this point; Ten is convinced that his relation in Nautilus is to take care of all the children. There’s a quick smile that Leia approves of him not being satisfied with the status qou and with a firm whisper replies to the question about Rose and broader range of emotions.]

No.

[On the flip-side; also set himself up to hurt. Really, really, really hurt and Ten’s brown puppy dog eyes show this; the hurt that was already felt. Yes, it’s good to feel; but – to feel this much – he set himself up to self-destruct at some point. There’s no way that he can live for centuries being able to feel how he does and not.
And blinks in agreement that Ten can’t control what they feel about how their future turned out.

Ten can look back in hindsight]

I've never been one much to look back.

[For the most part – Ten is able to look back. Apparently, there are some – gaps and whispers]

Yeah.

[About them having separate memories while being here. The last part is tricky. Very tricky. Because he can’t stand by the decisions that brought him this far –

No More

Even if that was the only possible choice under the circumstances. But – Seven and tricking Davros to destroy Skaro. That. And how Eight ran from the Time War – not wanting to be involved. Four was so clever with Devros. How was Four's way of thinking lost? After being silent for a very long time and seeming distant whispers]

Yes, they do have a good reason.

[A big sigh]

And they know – mostly.

[Skaro to Ten’s knowledge hasn’t been discussed with Four]

Edited Date: 2017-06-01 02:53 am (UTC)

From:

motherofresistance

[Leia listened as he gave short- in some cases one word- answers to her questions. Again, not like him; he was usually very talkative.

When he was done, though, she felt she should address the last point first.]

They might know what happened after their time, but do they know how you felt when it was happening, or afterward? The thought process behind the decisions you made? There are places you've been that they haven't yet, people you've met that they haven't yet; do they know what your first impressions of them were? How those places looked and sounded and smelled and felt? The ridiculous souvenir trinket that you bought at one location and how the food tasted at that little cafe you found later? [Leia shook her head.] No. Only you have the complete picture of all that.

[The hurt in those eyes didn't escape her notice, though. Leia knows about hurting. And she also knows about healing.]

You don't regret your choice to take on the emotions you have, but I can tell it hasn't been easy for you. Letting yourself feel never is. It means learning what it really means to hurt. But it also means learning how to heal. Though despite your name, something tells me you're not so good at the latter; am I right?

[She passed over the notion that his past selves had reason to be disappointed in him for now; they'd deal with that shortly.]

From:

borntolove

[Do they know how that moment felt? Ten isn't sure. Nine cut off the memory link too soon. Though - Ten is rather sure the thought process, if that wasn't shown, was at least explained.

There's a faint smile - at all the places that have been visited.

Apple grass.

Not to mention the things that Ten has licked so far - but wasn't going to mention that; outside of a slight tongue click.

Almost a complete picture. There seem to be some holes in the swiss cheese; probably because of the Time War and Zagreus.]

It's a work in progress. Rose helped a lot. When she found me... I was worse. Much worse.

[Though, Ten doesn't mean Ten - Ten means Nine]

From:

motherofresistance

Hmm, yes, I've noticed. Very prickly, your previous self. I know he has his reasons, but still sometimes I can't decide whether I like him or want to punch him in the nose. Or both.

[Rose has way more patience than she would, dealing with Nine.]

I suppose it's always a work in progress, though, learning to heal. I know it is for me, even today.

It's good that you have Rose to lean on here. But at the same time, it's not good to hang everything on her; I don't think anyone wants a repeat of what happened the last time you two had a big fight. And there probably will be other big fights; two passionate people with strong personalities in a relationship, friction is bound to happen, no matter how much you love each other.

From:

borntolove

[There's a slight head nod with a raise brow; just a bit of reason - yeah about Nine being prickly. Though, Ten is also concerned on upon returning - knowing Martha and Donna are in his future and according to Jane at least they have a better ending and that Martha did Ten well apparently according to Donna. But how much does he care about Martha and Donna? Is he able to actually hold them both at arms length Four had been able to do and not damage himself emotionally with having seven companions and not falling apart like Ten had with just Rose? For a moment Ten rubs the side of his forehead in a circular motion with his fingers.]

I've been meditating. And having moments to fill my hearts up to give myself a chance to fight myself off should that happen again.

[A pause and whisper with sad brown puppy eyes]

I know... It's not fair that everything hangs on her.

[A large exhale]

Nine - died to save her. And he hadn't had anyone with him for quite some time.

[Another slight exhale with full hand across the forehead and leaning forward]

And probably feels bad for messing me up.

[A pause and leans backwards]

How are other ways you can heal?

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