A trip to the doctor's

[motherofresistance]

Who: Closed log for Leia, Gray!Ben, and NPC Doctor Harter Kalonia
What: Ben has some medical problems that need to be addressed. Fortunately, the doctor is in.
When: The day after this thread
Warnings: Discussion of mental illness, self harm, and eating disorders. Angst and feelings. Possible discussion of canon-typical violence.

The night had passed, as it inevitably did. And when the day had come, there had been plans to make. Once she and Ben had woken up properly, she'd contacted Doctor Kalonia. Normally, she would have just walked in, but this was a more... delicate matter than a typical illness or injury, and she needed to request a private consultation rather than just a standard visit to the medical bay. Fortunately, being the leader of the Resistance gave her significant pull, and the request was granted for later that afternoon. Short of an emergency, they'd have the bay all to themselves. 

Now, here they were, about to step inside. Leia had come with Ben, partly for moral support and partly because she wasn't certain how the meeting would play out without her presence. It had been hard enough for Ben to tell her about his symptoms and what he'd been doing as a result; it would be that much harder to explain the situation to a professional and submit it and himself for scrutiny, even compassionate scrutiny. If necessary or desired, Leia could take some of the burden of explanation off of Ben's shoulders.

"Ready for this?" Leia asked Ben as they approached the medical bay doors. Beyond them was their best hope of a resolution to Ben's difficulties and the potential for real healing. But still, she knew that stepping through them probably wouldn't be easy for him.

Comments

[motherofresistance]

Dr. Kalonia quirked an eyebrow at his explanation. "Well, I would appreciate it if you avoided breaking any of my medical droids, if possible," she said. "They're more difficult to replace than most droids, and we don't have quite the reserves that the First Order does." She wasn't sure how much his explanation revised her opinion of the First Order's medical staff, though; difficult patient or not, they should never have allowed him to reach this point.

"The primary problem is a chemical imbalance, yes," she explained. "We can take care of that with medication, and balance out some of the related depression and anxiety. But addictions of all sorts are as much psychological as they are chemical; more so when no actual chemical substances are involved. The addictive behavior patterns become ingrained until it's difficult to function without them, even if what originally triggered them is no longer a factor. There's always some new stressor that an addicted brain will use as an excuse as to why the behavior must continue. Having a non-judgmental professional to talk to and get advice from can be helpful in a lot of cases; having someone who can check your logic and recognize warning signs can help prevent backsliding."

"And also, while we can take care of the current problem, the mental and emotional toll it's taken on you over the years won't just go away. Nor will the new mental and emotional stresses and challenges that will come with recovery. You will need to work those out somehow, as they only exacerbate the other issues, and a professional pyschotherapist would be best equipped to do that."

"Without the option of professional psychological consultation, though, we're going to have to rely on a strong support system to help you through this," she said, turning her gaze to Leia, who nodded. She would do whatever was necessary to support her son through this, and was already mentally making plans for things she thought might be potentially helpful.

The doctor gave Leia a nod in return before turning her gaze back to Ben. "You're already off to an excellent start with your mother," she said. "But honestly, the broader a safety net you have, the better. I don't doubt that your mother will be telling your father and getting him involved, but I really recommend involving your friends or friends of your family who you feel you can trust. The more people involved in keeping you on track, the better your chances."

[greyorder]

"So long as none of them attempt to give me a shot while I'm not looking." Oh, the howl Ben had let out that time - and the ensuing slaughter of droids, mostly unintentional. Needles were barely doable when he saw it coming, they were an unacceptable surprise. He liked Dr. Kalonia, but he had instincts about perceived attacks.

His first instinct was to argue he wasn't stupid and he would be fine once he was on medication. He didn't enjoy starving. Except he did enjoy, in a way, the flood of the Force through him, the power he could wield. If things went bad in this war, he might be tempted to skip a meal or two, whatever it took to get the edge on their enemies. Was that foolish? He couldn't tell. Would it work? Possibly, but the very fact he was having this debate in his head meant that her point was proven. "I don't really have many people who would even want to be part of my safety net," he admitted, the weight of all his errors as Kylo Ren gathering over him like leaden clouds. "I spent a lot of time and energy isolating myself. My father, my uncle Chewie, Rey, Poe and my mother are all I can hope for."

Not Luke - he wasn't going to inflict himself upon the man whose life he'd ruined so thoroughly. Luke had suffered more than enough. He didn't need to try to deal with Ben again.

[motherofresistance]

The corners of Dr. Kalonia's lips quirked upward in amusement. Yes, she could easily picture such a scenario, though it was likely more comical in her mind than it would be in reality. "I'll be sure to make a note of it in their programming," she said. They were generally pretty good about that sort of thing, but if it kept them intact, she'd make it a standing order.

Leia gave Ben's shoulder a gentle squeeze and sent a gentle pulse of affection and support through the Force as she felt that weight settle on him. That would be one of the many things they'd have to work through together. But both Leia and Doctor Kalonia noted that there was someone conspicuously absent from Ben's list.

"Given that you just named several of the most stubborn and persistently caring people in the galaxy, that sounds like a good list," Dr. Kalonia said. "But there's one more person I think you should add to it. You might not like the idea, but I recommend involving your uncle and former Jedi Master as well."

"The impact of the Force as it relates to medicine is unfortunately an under-studied subject," she said. "But given that your mother has been my patient for some time now, I made it a point to read up on what I could. According to surviving records, the Jedi order banned fasting meditation a century or so before their fall, after one too many cases similar to yours happened. But in those cases, the involvement of their current or former Jedi Master was listed as a turning point in the recovery of those who survived."

"Even though you have more of a support system here than just your former Master, I still think it's important that he be involved," she said. "I understand medicine, but the Force is outside my reach; he would need to be on the same page as the rest of us if I ever needed to consult him on matters relating to it. Though he'll be answerable to me if he does or tries to get you to do anything I feel is against your best interests." Jedi Master or not, she outranked everyone on base when it came to medical matters, and wasn't afraid to use that authority.

"And he'll be answerable to me too," Leia said. "Which will probably be more convincing in the long run." Leia could be incredibly intimidating when she wanted to be, and not even her brother was immune. Especially not her brother.

[greyorder]

Ben tensed up at the mention of his uncle. Instantly, old defenses honed in the First Order acted for him, throwing mental walls up between him and the world, pushing his mother's connection and presence away - she was too pitying, she did not understand the magnitude of the wrong Ben had done, what he'd wrought upon Luke's already weary heart - and before he knew it he was standing, buttoning his jacket up as if the layer of clothing could keep out the concern.

He wasn't an expert on the Force or medicine and certainly not the intersectionality thereof, but he would be damned if he was going to let that be an excuse to haul his tired and dead-eyed uncle into this mess. "I am the last person in the galaxy that Master Luke wants to see," Ben said in well-practiced, cold, I-am-of-the-Force-I-need-nothing-else tones (though his mother might be able to sense the actual underlying sentiment was regret and fear of rejection mixed together). "The sentiment is more or less returned. I would much rather go the scientific route than that of the Force. I doubt he would have much information for you in any case; the number of Jedi and Sith alike who fell prey to this is small and very poorly recorded, he can't tell you anything you don't already know."

The familiar sensation of having the walls close in was almost unbearable. He looked at his mother flatly. "Don't bring him into this, Mother. You know it's never resolved anything before." The number of fights Luke and Ben had managed to have over the years was breathtaking given Luke's calm nature. Ben brought out the worst in him and that was putting it kindly.

[motherofresistance]

Leia felt Ben's walls go up, muffling their connection, though they couldn't truly cut it off. As a result, she could indeed sense the emotions that lay under his refusal. Dr. Kalonia might guess, but Leia knew.

She returned Ben's flat gaze steadily, and though her tone was compassionate when she spoke, it now also carried maternal authority. "Ben, I don't have to 'bring' him anywhere," she said. "You said yourself last night; Rey's probably told him what she knows by now. And once he hears about it, he'll want to help, both because you're his nephew and just because he's Luke; stubborn, compassionate, sincere, guilt-ridden, and chronically heroic as he is. He'll be in this sooner or later regardless of what I or Dr. Kalonia say or do."

"The difference is in how it happens," she said. "Whether he feels like a part of our family who we involved by choice because we care about him, or whether he feels like just a consultant who was only brought in for his Jedi knowledge. And I think you know how both of those things feel, and which is preferable."

"I know you're afraid," she said. "And I know you regret what happened. But so is he and so does he. Trust me; he's tried to shield it from me, but we're twins. We've been connected since before we were born and not even a Jedi Master can block that out completely; I've known somewhat how he felt ever since he got back, no matter where he is on base, and the reverse is true too." Which was another reason she knew he'd be involved one way or another; even if Rey's word wasn't enough to convince him, Leia's worry would alert him to the fact that something was badly wrong, and he was smart enough to put it together from there.

"It's just not possible to avoid him forever, no matter how reluctant you both are to take the first step. Especially since you're friends with Rey." Friends was perhaps too mild a term, but neither one of them was in any state to consider that at present. "And having healing be the reason for coming together might just help you both heal."

[greyorder]

"Luke never came to my aid before, I doubt he'll break that tradition now," Ben quips, but the humor is laced with venom, with hurt borne of never being good enough for his uncle to care for, things never being bad enough for Luke to say anything but 'try to meditate again', never a nephew but a Jedi-in-training, not family but a living weapon. A part of Ben wanted to hit Luke. Another part of him knew he already had, more effectively than anyone else ever could, by killing the other padawans. And he didn't even have the decency to kill me in return, some sick part of Ben's childish subconscious whispered, pained and forsaken in equal measures.

The only way to move forward with life was to make a new one, a new persona, a new path. That meant not leaning on Luke again. Luke's only fear seemed to be Ben entering his life again and even if Ben couldn't fix everything that had happened, he could stay out of his way, at the very least. Ben had set ablaze everything and everyone Luke had cared about and worked so hard for and then he'd tried to goad him into killing his only nephew. Leia wasn't there that night, hadn't seen everything hit peak levels of desperation and hurt. It was going to haunt Ben and Luke until they died. There was a grief too profound to put into words lingering in every glance shared between them. Ben hated himself, mildly despised Luke, but above all he hated that so long as he was alive, he could still do more damage. How much further could he push Luke before the poor man snapped? How much could one person be asked to bear? Eventually, someone was going to realize having Ben around wasn't worth inflicting this on Luke.

If people had to choose between the Jedi Master and Jedi slayer, Ben was under no delusions that he'd win. The longer he went without coming into contact with Luke, the longer he would be able to stay here.

"There are some things people don't heal from," he said quietly, pinching the bridge of his nose. He wanted to break everything in the room just to see something shatter, to feel something give out underneath him. "I can't stop you from involving him, but let's not pretend things are going to be fine if we just try hard enough. That's not how this family works."

If trying hard was all it took, he wouldn't have ended up in Snoke's clutches to begin with. He wondered if the creator of fasting meditation ever had to deal with this, if people had ever turned to her and expected her to sit down and talk it out. If so, suddenly her inability to stop and eventual death made a lot more sense. This wasn't going to help. The thought of Luke made him regret sharing any of this at all and want to double down until he was so strong in the Light that his uncle would believe him when he spoke for once. This was the opposite of a reason to stop. 'Why are you doing this', Rey had asked. And then, as now, Ben's only reply is simple: why not?

[motherofresistance]

Some deep instinct flared up in her brother's defense at the venom directed towards Luke, but it vanish as quickly as it had come. Another part of Leia was perversely glad to see that Ben still had enough fight in him to get angry; he'd need all that fight to get through this. She somewhat wished the anger was a bit more evenly distributed- they'd all failed Ben by degrees-, but she didn't doubt that Luke's had stung the most. And understanding somewhat why that was gave her an idea of how to handle it.

"You know," Leia said after a moment, "it occurs to me that on some level we all expected Luke to be able to fix everything, just because he was Luke Skywalker. You, me, Han, Chewie, people in general, even Luke himself, I think. I of all people ought to have known better than to buy into the legend; my baby brother who first grew that silly beard early on because he looked so young that a visitor mistook him for one of his own padawans, trying to resurrect the Jedi order after a few years of sporadic training." She shook her head and sighed though the corners of her lips quirked upward slightly for a moment, recalling that memory fondly despite the situation; things had seemed so much simpler then.

"I won't deny that Luke failed you," Leia said. "He did. We all did, and you have every right to be angry about that. But Luke never knew what the problem was before. None of us did. Not even a Jedi can help with a problem if they don't know what that problem is. He hated that he wasn't able help you, and that the only solutions he had to offer were ineffective. After all, how much of a Jedi could he be if he couldn't even help his own nephew find some peace? None of us realized how bad things really were until it was too late."

"I won't tell you not to be angry, because I know you both are," she said. "Angry at yourselves and angry at each other. And I'm under no illusions that any meeting between the two of you will be easy or smooth; I'm expecting a shouting match at the very least, if not a few things being thrown with the Force. All that anger and hurt is bound to blow up at some point, but it'll be that much worse the longer it's allowed to fester."

"Maybe the two of you will find a way to work things out, or maybe in the end you'll both decide that things really are too broken to fix between you or even that you just can't stand each other. But at least things will be out in the open and you'll both know for certain, rather than sitting at opposite ends of the base, quietly assuming that each of you hates the other and terrified of what that might mean for your futures."

"Naturally I'm hoping the two of you can find a way to make things work, but this is real life, not a holovid," she said. "If you can't then you can't; you're both still family and that won't change, even if you can't be in the picture with each other. I'm only asking you to give your uncle the same chance you're giving me and your father; the chance to make up for some of our mistakes, make up for lost time, and maybe do something right by you for once."

Meanwhile, Dr. Kalonia politely pretended she couldn't hear the conversation between mother and son, turning to her workstation to enter the data she gathered so it could be formalized and entered into Ben's medical records. Hopefully by the time their discussion was done, she would have something more to tell them.

I need better icons. Sorry.

[greyorder]

Leia hadn’t been there the way Luke had, seeing Ben slip out of himself again and again, endlessly, desperate when he was there to try to grasp at whatever sanity and stability he could. He had been so scared, so small in a vast, sprawling galaxy that would do as it pleased with him. All he wanted, all he had needed, was family. Family was not the Jedi way. Or maybe Ben just wasn’t worth the effort. No one would ever truly know.

When Ben had turned on Luke, he had thought he would be struck down for it. He taunted Luke, then begged him, deliberately letting his defenses down. All those years of pain and suffering could have finally been over. All those nights of being afraid to fall asleep and lose control could have been over. He had been so tired, so worn down, that he had resorted to pleading with his uncle. One quick motion with the lightsaber and it was all over. Unavoidable self defense, Ben had told Luke softly. Nobody will blame you. For a moment, Luke had looked at him with deep enough pity Ben’s heart had soared, thinking it was about to happen-

But no. Of course not. That was never how Ben’s story went. Belatedly, he realized that in his anger he’d been broadcasting the entire memory to his mother. Wincing, he drew away to try to regroup and put up the old, disused walls he’d grown so comfortable with as Kylo Ren. The effort was exhausting. Most things were, these days.

“I expected him to fix me, too. Just not in the way the rest of you were thinking.” One slip during Jedi training and he would never have to deal with this ever again. One accident well placed and timed, that was all he had needed. Groaning, he scrubbed his tired eyes. “Everyone assumes I wanted to make it out of the fire...” Like he’d set the Jedi Temple ablaze with himself inside out of some tactical error? He was much smarter than that. There wasn’t supposed to be an exit strategy beyond that. If Ben hadn’t gotten afraid at the last second of what burning alive would feel like, this would all have been over years ago. Too weak to die, too weak to live, he thought bitterly, loudly enough for his mother to hear.

“I don’t want to shout with him, or throw things with the Force, or anything of that ilk. Contrary to what the world thinks, I don’t relish theatrics and arguments that can be heard two systems away. But everyone’s so used to their version of me they’ll expect it. Luke will expect it. And I can’t do it anymore – I can’t pretend to be that person because I don’t even know if I am a person at all. I cannot continue on these two-men Jedi-Sith drama plays that are so traditional. I don’t have the energy in me to fight him and he doesn’t have it in him to see me as anything but Vader reincarnated. So he’ll be addressing a person that never existed and I’ll be falling away and what, exactly, will we have accomplished? I can tell you right now I’ll be too anxious to eat before I meet him, and after, and during every visit with him. The thought makes me want to vomit now and I don’t even have anything to do so with!”

The old fear is back, the oh-Force-no feeling of standing on a cliff’s edge, of tumbling over, of having taken an irreversible plunge with his mother. Now she knows he actively wanted to die. Did Luke ever tell her? Does she think he’s weak? She wouldn’t be wrong, but the thought hurt anyway. He bit his lip to shut himself up, hard enough to hard blood. Pain. Hunger. The only non-judgmental, steady things to turn to in a galaxy constantly thrown into turbulence. He wrapped his arms around his torso, counting the rib ridges. Starvation - the only guaranteed loyalty left in his life.

Never be sorry for awesome tags of feels.

[motherofresistance]

Leia didn't respond until it seemed Ben was finished speaking. She would have been lying if she said that at least part of it wasn't because she needed to come to grips with the memory Ben had unintentionally sent her and the knowledge that he'd actively wanted to die. Begged Luke to kill him, even. So that was what Luke had meant...

But the idea that she could think him weak? That was what ultimately made her move. She stepped forward, closing the distance between them and wrapping her arms around her son. "Oh, Ben...", she aid. "None of us ever thought you were weak. None of us think so now. It took more strength than most people would have had to hand your lightsaber over to your father. To come out from behind the mask that Kylo Ren was and come back to us. You're a very strong person, and I'm so glad you are because it gave is all a second chance."

She was quiet for a brief moment after that before speaking again, though she didn't let go of him. "None of us knew you were in the temple when it burned," she said quietly. "The heat damaged the security recordings, and by the time we got there... by the time we got there, it was all over."

Nothing but charred rubble and bodies. Ben had been gone. Luke had been gone. They'd found R2, inactive, next to a small holorecorder containing a cryptic message from Luke, but beyond that... there was nothing. She'd lost everything. Her world reduced to ashes. Again.

But she remembered that night too, even if she hadn't been there. The events had jolted her out of a dead sleep, what Luke probably would have called a 'disturbance in the Force'. Given that Luke had once mentioned to her that Obi-Wan had described sensing the death of Alderaan the same way, she was tempted to believe that the greatest gift of the Jedi wasn't the Force, but understatement; 'disturbance' did not in any way cover anything she had felt that he might have called that.

But Ben didn't need her own memory of that dark night. Not right now. But perhaps another memory would help. "I never thought you enjoyed those kinds of confrontations," she said gently. "Just that that's the kind of thing that usually happens when two people who care about each other at the same time they're carrying a lot of anger and hurt for one another meet."

"But I don't think you know what's in Luke quite as well as you think you do," she said. "I'd like to show you something, if you'll let me." She nudged gently against his mental walls, a knock at the door. Accompanying it was an equally gentle wash of warmth and love. You don't need those. Not with me, Ben.

[greyorder]

Ben had been more than ready to die even when he was with Snoke. Hope was always in limited supply. He was so good at his training under Snoke because he didn’t shy away or retreat from daunting tasks. Though he didn’t actively seek death out, he did not avoid it, either, letting the chips fall where they may. He might succeed, or fail, but when the worst that could happen was just a long, permanent sleep, then there was little to fear in the galaxy. There was nothing that could truly scare him in those days.

Having people to live for was much harder. He didn’t know how to be the son Leia wanted. He didn’t know how to be the friend-maybe-more Rey was seeking. She would do better to look to Poe or Finn. His mother would be better off if he kept a distance so he couldn’t disappoint her, but oh, how much he had missed her. He wanted nothing more than to be held by her like he used to be, back when he was a child and didn’t understand that people saw Anakin when they looked at him. His arms wrapped around her in return when she embraced him on instinct. She was small in the sense of being short. He was small in all the wrong ways, the wrong ways that felt empowering, like armor. People could leave, but he could drive the Force into him, into his body and mind, no matter who walked away or who stayed. He could be a person. For a long time, that was all he’d had.

He’d had to live for himself without ever truly believing there was a self to live for. Now that he didn’t have to, he wasn’t sure what other options there were. Luke was not an option the way that happy endings were not an option; Ben fully expected his life to end in some overwrought tragedy that was typical of the Skywalker family, to either die on the battlefield in glory or be struck down and succeeded by Rey.

“Uncle Luke knew,” he muttered softly, closing his eyes. He was there, couldn’t he have sensed it in the Force, Ben’s struggle to stay in the heat while fearing the burning heat? Ben had screamed when part of the ceiling came down, terrified of what he had wrought, fighting with Snoke in his head as the man told him to save himself and Ben’s Uncle was silent in the Force, unreachable, leaving him alone... “Or I thought he did. If he ever actually told me what was going on with him, that might have helped salvage things. But he didn’t. He still doesn’t. He never will. That much, I know.”

He wanted to argue about Luke ‘caring’ about him, but his curiosity at what memory she might think could salvage the incredible mess he’d made of their lives was overpowering. Begrudgingly, he let down his mental shields, enough to let her in, not so much he couldn’t throw her out if more of his unpleasant memories popped up and he needed to keep her from being traumatized.

“Alright. Show me.”