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[There's a slight head nod with a raise brow; just a bit of reason - yeah about Nine being prickly. Though, Ten is also concerned on upon returning - knowing Martha and Donna are in his future and according to Jane at least they have a better ending and that Martha did Ten well apparently according to Donna. But how much does he care about Martha and Donna? Is he able to actually hold them both at arms length Four had been able to do and not damage himself emotionally with having seven companions and not falling apart like Ten had with just Rose? For a moment Ten rubs the side of his forehead in a circular motion with his fingers.]

I've been meditating. And having moments to fill my hearts up to give myself a chance to fight myself off should that happen again.

[A pause and whisper with sad brown puppy eyes]

I know... It's not fair that everything hangs on her.

[A large exhale]

Nine - died to save her. And he hadn't had anyone with him for quite some time.

[Another slight exhale with full hand across the forehead and leaning forward]

And probably feels bad for messing me up.

[A pause and leans backwards]

How are other ways you can heal?

[Leia nods.]

Meditation is helpful with a number of things; its one aspect of Jedi training the I'm glad Luke turned me on to. I try to make time to do it a little bit every day, usually first thing in the morning. As is taking time to remember positive things, if I'm understanding you correctly; sometimes light is in very short supply, and those sorts of memories can make all the difference.

Yes, I can see Nine feeling that way. Given that you don't regret the change, I wouldn't really say he 'messed you up', at least not in the way you're referring to. But I bet he would; like a great many things, whether he messed you up on not depends greatly on your point of view, and from what I've seen, his point of view tends to skew into the negative when it comes to himself. His own incarnation of yourself, that is, not all of yourself in general.

[Regarding other ways to heal, Leia thinks for a moment, trying to sift out general advice from things specific to her own situation.]

Well you're doing one of them right now; reaching out to someone you trust for support. Contrary to what some might think, reaching out for help now and then doesn't make you weak or needy. Being able to admit that you don't have all the answers and that you can't do everything on your own all the time is a sign of maturity. Not to mention an important skill in a relationship.

And though it may sound counterintuitive at first, letting yourself actually feel the pain from time to time is important. Sometimes it's necessary to compartmentalize things, put mourning or anger away for a more appropriate time, but keeping things bottled up forever or trying to pretend that your feelings don't exist isn't healthy and just leaves you unprepared to deal with the emotions when they inevitably resurface. Doing that is a major flaw in the Jedi way of thinking, and I'm willing to bet was one factor in the old order's downfall.

So don't be afraid to let it out once in awhile, even if it's just in private. Break down and have a good cry. Beat the kriff out of a punching bag or training droid. Put your feelings into art or music. Type out or otherwise record an angry rant to delete later. Scream into a pillow. The method doesn't really matter as long you're not doing yourself or someone else any harm or damaging anything irreplaceable, but catharsis is important.

He thinks he set me up to really hurt. [The way Ten looks at Leia; it’s obvious that something has already caused that to happen and then a deep sigh]
Don’t get me started on how Nine sees himself. The only reason I forgive his down talking on himself is because I know how he feels. I remember how he feels…. And honestly – I sort of went back to that.

[Sigh] When I came here in back in July – I wasn’t in the best place either. Yeah– Nine’s only hard on himself [sigh] because he doesn’t think he should have his name be The Doctor… He hasn’t earned that back in his mind. Which you really can't blame him for that thinking.

[Then sits with his hands together in front of his mouth and slightly nods on and off. ]

Whut about bending?

Edited 2017-06-17 01:20 (UTC)

If that had been his intention? Then I might agree with him. But as I understand it, he didn't do anything more than act according to his nature; your nature. Whatever face you're wearing at the moment, you seem like a man who does his best to help others, especially those close to you. It's just that sometimes that has unintended consequences.

[Something she clearly knows all about, given her tone.]

I understand being in that sort of state, yes. I've been in some pretty bad mental places myself over the years. But why doesn't he think his name should be the Doctor? If you don't mind explaining, of course; I'd just rather avoid any potential emotional minefields while dealing with him.

As for Bending, I don't see why that couldn't be a form of catharsis too. As long as the same rules are followed, that is; nothing that harms yourself or anyone else or damages something irreplaceable.

[No. Never the intention but it does hurt as Ten squints his eyes a bit; because Nine has a point and somehow Ten wouldn't be surprised if Nine wants to go back and change things a bit. So Ten is different and has more alien feelings. Like a Time Lord should have. To have less empathy and not to openly love so much.

Then states dreadfully with a really low tone and his persona seeming to grow distant]

War.

[There's a head nod; of course, no harm would come to others or damage to come to the property. However, doesn't mean he won't maybe push himself to beyond his limits and pass out.]

Edited 2017-06-17 23:32 (UTC)

[She sighs.]

It usually is, isn't it? Though I'm afraid you'll need to be a bit more specific than that; there's a lot of things about war that could put someone in a very bad mental place.

[If Leia is the one who finds him after such an escapade, he may well get scolded for it. Because going until you pass out could fall under the 'harming yourself' category if it's not an accident.]

[There's a slight head nod]

In general.

[Meaning, maybe Ten doesn't want to go into it either on a few levels]

[Well, that's super informative.]

I take it it has something to do with why you feel your past selves have good reason to be disappointed in you?

[It's not really a question, since that's pretty easy to reason out.]

Which means there's probably more to it than just the general circumstances that come along with war.

[Attempting gentle prompting at first, not wanting to make this harder that it has to be.]

[There's a firm head nod and pressed lips]

[Alright, somewhat less gentle.]

Which most likely means that it's either something you did, or something you didn't do. Potentially both at different points. But that still covers a lot of territory.

[pause]

I understand that this is difficult for you too, and you don't need to tell me the whole story. But I do need at least a general idea of what happened if I'm going to avoid causing you and your other selves problems in the future.

[Ten is silent and also eyes Leia as if she's trying to wiggle out of the bottle - what happened and somewhat firmly states]

Just in general.

[She kind of is, though she opts to drop it for now and try a different approach.]

Alright then, lets try this; would you be willing to tell me why you're convinced that your past selves are justified in being disappointed in you? Because honestly, I'm not seeing much cause for it. Aside from the fact that you're as stubborn as a herd of nerfs, of course, but that seems to be something all of you shares to varying degrees.

Because I never wanted to get involved...

I ran... I ran for a very long time... But one day - it got so bad thar wasn't anywhere to run anymore.

All of time and space and nowhere to run anymore..

Edited 2017-07-04 03:17 (UTC)

[Leia nodded.]

That's a more common situation than you'd think. Especially back during the Galactic Civil War; a lot of people who ended up joining the Rebellion had spent their time running from what was happening to the galaxy- figuratively or literally- until something happened that forced them to stop. To take a good look around at where the galaxy was going and decide they had to take action.

What was it that finally made you stop?

[A pause and sigh]

I crashed. Thought I was dead. Expect I woke up and when I woke up I knew where I was. A place I had been before very long ago. They are very powerful psychics. Probably in my entire universe. I helped them back many lives ago; and for that they brought me back to life and the choice to choose how my next life would be - if I helped with the war I was running from. Otherwise, they were going to let me die and where I was it wasn't possible to regenerate. And - if I didn't help they were saying that universe was going to end.

I didn't know at the time but what - Rassilon [The rage!] had planned the universe was going to end one way or another.

Alright, I admit, that's a new one, if only due to regeneration being an ability that's unique to your species as far as I know.

[You sound like you feel about Rassilon about the same way she feels about Palpitine.]

I'm assuming Rassilon didn't succeed in his plan; if he did, I doubt we'd be here talking about it like this. But was your intervention as pivotal in preventing it as these psychics thought it would be?

[Dry, quiet and hollow]

No. He wasn't.

[At her last question - she may see all the knots his stomach makes on his face and only replies by nodding his head]

[There's a lot in that nod and Leia is quiet for a long moment, extrapolating and correlating what she knows, and what she's been able to deduce from what has and hasn't been said.]

So you prevented Rassilon's plan from coming to fruition... but doing so cost more than you can reconcile.

[If there was one thing Leia understood it was loss. And whatever stopping Rassilon's insane plan had cost the Doctor, it was obviously enough to make it seem like a pyrrhic victory to him.]

[Ten is only going to remind distant in his aura and gives another head nod]

[Leia closed her eyes. Took a deep breath.]

Believe it or not, I understand. I've had to make those kinds of choices myself. Not for the fate of the universe, but certainly for the fate of the galaxy. Choices that in the end boil down to a debate between 'could I live with myself if I do this?' and 'could I live with myself if I don't?'

[She sighs, opening her eyes.]

Sometimes there really is no good choice. Just a bad one and a worse one. Entities like the Empire and the First Order are good at creating those situations. And it sounds like Rassilon was too.

Edited 2017-07-27 00:57 (UTC)

[Ten's demeanor change to being rather pointed and fierce] That doesn't excuse it

[Then draws back and gives Leia a silent head nod and whispers]

Sorry. So, sorry.

And I'm sorry about what happened.

[Leiah just nods calmly.]

No it doesn't. There's never an excuse for that kind of death and destruction. An explanation, maybe. A logical reason, maybe. But no excuse.

It's worse, though, when people don't think they need an excuse. People like Tarkin, Palpitine, Snoke, and Rassilon; people for whom power and control are an end in themselves. The kind of people who would build something called the 'Death Star' in the first place.

[Pause.]

And you don't need to apologize; none of what happened to me and to my galaxy is your doing. And I know the things more personal to me likely can't be fixed, even if you could get to my galaxy with the ability to do so; too many other events that depend on them.

[Small, grim smirk.]

Seems to be the case more often than not for my family. Our connection to the Force is very strong... but that also means that our fates are intertwined with it, for good or ill.

Yeah.

I know. All of space and time - and thar's still events I have to let happen.

I'd be curious to know how you can tell which is which. Is it just something instinctual to Time Lords, or is distinguishing such events a skill you have to learn?

Instinctual.

[He's hiding how much it may hurt to be reminded what he doesn't and hasn't done for quite a long time]

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