Ben had already achieved being the son that Leia wanted simply by being Ben. Of the things she wanted for him, being free of Snoke's clutches and back in her arms was the most important, and that they'd also- by some miracle- accomplished. There was much healing to be done, of body, mind, and soul, but now that they were back together again, they could work on that. For however long it took.
And some things would likely take longer than others. "He never told me about it," Leia said. "Not specifically anyway. Though that fact does make a few things make more sense. And in his defense, it's rather difficult for him to tell you anything in the present since you've been avoiding him like he has Iridian Plague- physically and in the Force- since he got back." Both she and Luke had noticed. Which of course caused similar avoidance from Luke's end and just made things more difficult.
Upon feeling his mental shields drop- not all the way, but enough- Leia took a deep breath, settling her mind and gathering the focus to send a clear memory; she wanted there to be no misunderstandings. Not this time.
~Leia sat across from Luke, stealing a quiet moment alone with her brother after most of the hubub surrounding his return had settled down somewhat. For a long moment, they sat in silence, holding each others hands and just basking in each others' much missed presence in the Force, allowing a bond long stretched taut to relax and regain its strength.
Leia finally sighed. "I missed this," she said, sitting back in her chair. Luke followed suit.
"So did I," Luke admitted. "Even before..." He trailed off, as if reluctant to continue.
"Before that night?", she supplied. Luke nodded. She paused, as if waiting for him to say more, but when he didn't she pressed on. "Then why did you leave? And why were you out of contact so often beforehand? The message you left with R2 was pretty cryptic."
"You found it," he said, and she nodded. "I couldn't give much detail, in case anyone from the First order found it. And I was probably more than a little bit in shock, so I may not have been quite coherent. I'm afraid I can't remember everything I said, though."
"I can help with that," Leia said, getting up and moving to the small wall safe in her office, a few feet from where they'd been talking. She opened it and pulled out an old, hand-held holorecorder, bringing it back over to Luke. "I kept it," Leia said. What didn't need voiced was why she had. They both knew that that could have easily been Luke's last message to anyone.
She set the recorder between them and pressed play. A small hologram of Luke appeared, much like the one of her that had first drawn him to find her all those years ago. The Luke in the hologram looked exhausted and haggard, his robes damp, torn, and singed. The hologram wavered and flickered, obviously recorded in haste, but the sound was clear, if a bit tinny as the hologram began to speak.
"Leia... Leia I hope it's you who finds this. Or that it gets to you somehow if not.
Please don't blame Ben for this. I know others probably will, but please don't. It was Snoke. It was Snoke all along. Ever since he was a child...
I didn't know how bad it was. Not until tonight. So much suffering... How did he keep it hidden from me for so long? If I'd only...
So much loss... Is this what the Jedi are destined for again? Darkness and fire and dead younglings? What was it even...?
....It's too late now. It's always too late. And it's never us who pay for our mistakes. But maybe not too late for Ben. He's strong. Stronger than he knows. And so are you. You'll find a way.
And I'll have to find my own. Maybe... maybe then I'll feel like I deserve to be called Jedi Master..."
The hologram of Luke looked like he was going to say more for a moment before the image of Luke shook his head, thinking the better of it. The message ended and the hologram faded, the recorder falling dormant once again.
Leia looked back at the real Luke, who sat staring at where the hologram had been a moment ago, frowning and seemingly lost in thought. His emotions were grim, playing over the echos of that night in memory.
For a long moment there was silence. Then Luke spoke, his gaze not lifting from the spot where the hologram had been. "Ben was always struggling," he said quietly. "Not because he wasn't strong in the Force- just the opposite, in fact-, but because he couldn't seem to get a solid grip on it. At first I thought it was just a case of a child having trouble focusing; I could tell he was homesick, and tried my best to keep him occupied to keep his mind off it, but as time went on..." Luke trailed off again.
"You asked how 'he' kept it hidden," Leia said after the pause lasted a bit too long. "Did you mean Ben? Or Snoke?"
Luke looked thoughtful. "...A bit of both," he said. "Ben has your gift for concealing pain, but to hide that much in the Force from me, constantly? A child or a teenager couldn't do that, no matter how strong they were. That takes control, and precision. Especially doing it subtly enough that I wouldn't notice anything amiss."
"And I didn't, at first," Luke said. "I tried to treat Ben just like the other padawans; he always had trouble making friends, even before you sent him to train with me, and the last thing I wanted to do was potentially add jealousy to the mix. And he certainly tried, but... while they worked together well enough and generally got along with him, I could tell they didn't consider Ben part of the group."
"But when they mentioned that something about Ben felt strange in the Force, and Ben himself confessed something to me in confidence, I started to suspect that there was more to it than just childish awkwardness," he said. "Most days Ben was very driven and passionate about his training, but some days he would just be... withdrawn. That's when I started sensing it. Something dark, but distant and elusive; it seemed to hover around Ben like a cloud on those days. Then he'd be back training all the harder the next day."
"Snoke," Leia said, identifying the dark presence from hindsight.
Luke nodded. "I told him to meditate on it, but it didn't seem to help much," Luke said. "I did the same, trying to reach Obi-Wan, Yoda, or our father, hoping to get some insight from them, but I couldn't. Looking back, that should have been a warning sign, but at the time I didn't connect the two at first."
"As time passed the darkness started lingering around Ben even when he was active and passionate. There was an edge to him that hadn't been there before; he started snapping at people, pushing himself to train hard than ever. Sometimes I had to tell him to go rest. Meditation wasn't helping, but without being able to contact Obi-Wan, Yoda, or our father I didn't know what else to suggest."
"I took my padawans to planets that were strong with the Light side. I told them it was just a normal training exercise but it was really for Ben. To try and help him get a better grip on the Force, and to get him away from the darkness influencing him. And in hopes that I'd be able to get into contact with Father or one of my teachers there."
"That's why you were out of contact so much those last few years," Leia said, and Luke nodded.
"Places strong in the Force are often poor in long range communications arrays," Luke said. "My efforts only ended up making things worse, though. Ben became even more withdrawn while we were out of contact, and the dark presence kept lingering. I suspected then that it might be Snoke or some other Dark Side user reaching out to him and trying to sway him, but I didn't want to say anything until I was sure."
"Why not?", Leia said. "Luke, if you suspected Snoke was after Ben why didn't you tell him? Or me?"
"I probably should have," Luke said. "But I didn't know the nature of the influence, or how deep the connection went. Telling Ben my suspicions could have opened him up to potential backlash or otherwise put him in even further danger. And I know you; if you'd even thought you had a solid target to go after that was hurting Ben, you'd have charged off without thinking to do something about it. I learned about not doing that the had way," he briefly held up his prosthetic hand, acquired on his ill-fated trip to Cloud City, "and I didn't want you to have to do the same."
His shoulders slumped a bit after that, though as if a weight had settled on them. "I should have trusted both of you more," he said. "But I thought I knew what was best. Until that night... Snoke abandoned all pretense of subtlety and unleashed the Knights of Ren on the temple, led by the newly minted Kylo Ren. The older students fought back, but the younger ones... They never stood a chance. I couldn't reach Ben in the Force at first; Snoke was blocking me from reaching him. But when I did see him standing there as Kylo Ren, he was filled with such pain and rage and despair..."
Luke closed his eyes for a moment against the memory before looking at Leia again. "Leia, he's your son. And my nephew. And not only did I fail to help him, my own training methods helped give Snoke the leverage to warp him into Kylo Ren. I helped break him. And I doubt he'll ever really forgive me for it."
"'Ever' is a long time," Leia said gently, taking her brother's living hand again. "I know we're a stubborn family, but..."
Luke shook his head, interrupting her. "Obi-Wan once said to me that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view," he said. "And from Ben's point of view I've probably failed him in every conceivable way, as both his Master and his uncle. And I don't see that point of view changing any time soon."~
Leia ended the memory there for now. There was more to the conversation, but she wanted to see how Ben reacted to what Luke had said about him first, before moving on to the other things Luke had learned.
Moving this over because text-squish. X3
And some things would likely take longer than others. "He never told me about it," Leia said. "Not specifically anyway. Though that fact does make a few things make more sense. And in his defense, it's rather difficult for him to tell you anything in the present since you've been avoiding him like he has Iridian Plague- physically and in the Force- since he got back." Both she and Luke had noticed. Which of course caused similar avoidance from Luke's end and just made things more difficult.
Upon feeling his mental shields drop- not all the way, but enough- Leia took a deep breath, settling her mind and gathering the focus to send a clear memory; she wanted there to be no misunderstandings. Not this time.
~Leia sat across from Luke, stealing a quiet moment alone with her brother after most of the hubub surrounding his return had settled down somewhat. For a long moment, they sat in silence, holding each others hands and just basking in each others' much missed presence in the Force, allowing a bond long stretched taut to relax and regain its strength.
Leia finally sighed. "I missed this," she said, sitting back in her chair. Luke followed suit.
"So did I," Luke admitted. "Even before..." He trailed off, as if reluctant to continue.
"Before that night?", she supplied. Luke nodded. She paused, as if waiting for him to say more, but when he didn't she pressed on. "Then why did you leave? And why were you out of contact so often beforehand? The message you left with R2 was pretty cryptic."
"You found it," he said, and she nodded. "I couldn't give much detail, in case anyone from the First order found it. And I was probably more than a little bit in shock, so I may not have been quite coherent. I'm afraid I can't remember everything I said, though."
"I can help with that," Leia said, getting up and moving to the small wall safe in her office, a few feet from where they'd been talking. She opened it and pulled out an old, hand-held holorecorder, bringing it back over to Luke. "I kept it," Leia said. What didn't need voiced was why she had. They both knew that that could have easily been Luke's last message to anyone.
She set the recorder between them and pressed play. A small hologram of Luke appeared, much like the one of her that had first drawn him to find her all those years ago. The Luke in the hologram looked exhausted and haggard, his robes damp, torn, and singed. The hologram wavered and flickered, obviously recorded in haste, but the sound was clear, if a bit tinny as the hologram began to speak.
"Leia...
Leia I hope it's you who finds this. Or that it gets to you somehow if not.
Please don't blame Ben for this. I know others probably will, but please don't. It was Snoke.
It was Snoke all along. Ever since he was a child...
I didn't know how bad it was. Not until tonight. So much suffering... How did he keep it hidden from me for so long? If I'd only...
So much loss... Is this what the Jedi are destined for again? Darkness and fire and dead younglings? What was it even...?
....It's too late now. It's always too late. And it's never us who pay for our mistakes. But maybe not too late for Ben. He's strong. Stronger than he knows. And so are you. You'll find a way.
And I'll have to find my own. Maybe... maybe then I'll feel like I deserve to be called Jedi Master..."
The hologram of Luke looked like he was going to say more for a moment before the image of Luke shook his head, thinking the better of it. The message ended and the hologram faded, the recorder falling dormant once again.
Leia looked back at the real Luke, who sat staring at where the hologram had been a moment ago, frowning and seemingly lost in thought. His emotions were grim, playing over the echos of that night in memory.
For a long moment there was silence. Then Luke spoke, his gaze not lifting from the spot where the hologram had been. "Ben was always struggling," he said quietly. "Not because he wasn't strong in the Force- just the opposite, in fact-, but because he couldn't seem to get a solid grip on it. At first I thought it was just a case of a child having trouble focusing; I could tell he was homesick, and tried my best to keep him occupied to keep his mind off it, but as time went on..." Luke trailed off again.
"You asked how 'he' kept it hidden," Leia said after the pause lasted a bit too long. "Did you mean Ben? Or Snoke?"
Luke looked thoughtful. "...A bit of both," he said. "Ben has your gift for concealing pain, but to hide that much in the Force from me, constantly? A child or a teenager couldn't do that, no matter how strong they were. That takes control, and precision. Especially doing it subtly enough that I wouldn't notice anything amiss."
"And I didn't, at first," Luke said. "I tried to treat Ben just like the other padawans; he always had trouble making friends, even before you sent him to train with me, and the last thing I wanted to do was potentially add jealousy to the mix. And he certainly tried, but... while they worked together well enough and generally got along with him, I could tell they didn't consider Ben part of the group."
"But when they mentioned that something about Ben felt strange in the Force, and Ben himself confessed something to me in confidence, I started to suspect that there was more to it than just childish awkwardness," he said. "Most days Ben was very driven and passionate about his training, but some days he would just be... withdrawn. That's when I started sensing it. Something dark, but distant and elusive; it seemed to hover around Ben like a cloud on those days. Then he'd be back training all the harder the next day."
"Snoke," Leia said, identifying the dark presence from hindsight.
Luke nodded. "I told him to meditate on it, but it didn't seem to help much," Luke said. "I did the same, trying to reach Obi-Wan, Yoda, or our father, hoping to get some insight from them, but I couldn't. Looking back, that should have been a warning sign, but at the time I didn't connect the two at first."
"As time passed the darkness started lingering around Ben even when he was active and passionate. There was an edge to him that hadn't been there before; he started snapping at people, pushing himself to train hard than ever. Sometimes I had to tell him to go rest. Meditation wasn't helping, but without being able to contact Obi-Wan, Yoda, or our father I didn't know what else to suggest."
"I took my padawans to planets that were strong with the Light side. I told them it was just a normal training exercise but it was really for Ben. To try and help him get a better grip on the Force, and to get him away from the darkness influencing him. And in hopes that I'd be able to get into contact with Father or one of my teachers there."
"That's why you were out of contact so much those last few years," Leia said, and Luke nodded.
"Places strong in the Force are often poor in long range communications arrays," Luke said. "My efforts only ended up making things worse, though. Ben became even more withdrawn while we were out of contact, and the dark presence kept lingering. I suspected then that it might be Snoke or some other Dark Side user reaching out to him and trying to sway him, but I didn't want to say anything until I was sure."
"Why not?", Leia said. "Luke, if you suspected Snoke was after Ben why didn't you tell him? Or me?"
"I probably should have," Luke said. "But I didn't know the nature of the influence, or how deep the connection went. Telling Ben my suspicions could have opened him up to potential backlash or otherwise put him in even further danger. And I know you; if you'd even thought you had a solid target to go after that was hurting Ben, you'd have charged off without thinking to do something about it. I learned about not doing that the had way," he briefly held up his prosthetic hand, acquired on his ill-fated trip to Cloud City, "and I didn't want you to have to do the same."
His shoulders slumped a bit after that, though as if a weight had settled on them. "I should have trusted both of you more," he said. "But I thought I knew what was best. Until that night... Snoke abandoned all pretense of subtlety and unleashed the Knights of Ren on the temple, led by the newly minted Kylo Ren. The older students fought back, but the younger ones... They never stood a chance. I couldn't reach Ben in the Force at first; Snoke was blocking me from reaching him. But when I did see him standing there as Kylo Ren, he was filled with such pain and rage and despair..."
Luke closed his eyes for a moment against the memory before looking at Leia again. "Leia, he's your son. And my nephew. And not only did I fail to help him, my own training methods helped give Snoke the leverage to warp him into Kylo Ren. I helped break him. And I doubt he'll ever really forgive me for it."
"'Ever' is a long time," Leia said gently, taking her brother's living hand again. "I know we're a stubborn family, but..."
Luke shook his head, interrupting her. "Obi-Wan once said to me that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view," he said. "And from Ben's point of view I've probably failed him in every conceivable way, as both his Master and his uncle. And I don't see that point of view changing any time soon."~
Leia ended the memory there for now. There was more to the conversation, but she wanted to see how Ben reacted to what Luke had said about him first, before moving on to the other things Luke had learned.