Leia hadn’t been there the way Luke had, seeing Ben slip out of himself again and again, endlessly, desperate when he was there to try to grasp at whatever sanity and stability he could. He had been so scared, so small in a vast, sprawling galaxy that would do as it pleased with him. All he wanted, all he had needed, was family. Family was not the Jedi way. Or maybe Ben just wasn’t worth the effort. No one would ever truly know.
When Ben had turned on Luke, he had thought he would be struck down for it. He taunted Luke, then begged him, deliberately letting his defenses down. All those years of pain and suffering could have finally been over. All those nights of being afraid to fall asleep and lose control could have been over. He had been so tired, so worn down, that he had resorted to pleading with his uncle. One quick motion with the lightsaber and it was all over. Unavoidable self defense, Ben had told Luke softly. Nobody will blame you. For a moment, Luke had looked at him with deep enough pity Ben’s heart had soared, thinking it was about to happen-
But no. Of course not. That was never how Ben’s story went. Belatedly, he realized that in his anger he’d been broadcasting the entire memory to his mother. Wincing, he drew away to try to regroup and put up the old, disused walls he’d grown so comfortable with as Kylo Ren. The effort was exhausting. Most things were, these days.
“I expected him to fix me, too. Just not in the way the rest of you were thinking.” One slip during Jedi training and he would never have to deal with this ever again. One accident well placed and timed, that was all he had needed. Groaning, he scrubbed his tired eyes. “Everyone assumes I wanted to make it out of the fire...” Like he’d set the Jedi Temple ablaze with himself inside out of some tactical error? He was much smarter than that. There wasn’t supposed to be an exit strategy beyond that. If Ben hadn’t gotten afraid at the last second of what burning alive would feel like, this would all have been over years ago. Too weak to die, too weak to live, he thought bitterly, loudly enough for his mother to hear.
“I don’t want to shout with him, or throw things with the Force, or anything of that ilk. Contrary to what the world thinks, I don’t relish theatrics and arguments that can be heard two systems away. But everyone’s so used to their version of me they’ll expect it. Luke will expect it. And I can’t do it anymore – I can’t pretend to be that person because I don’t even know if I am a person at all. I cannot continue on these two-men Jedi-Sith drama plays that are so traditional. I don’t have the energy in me to fight him and he doesn’t have it in him to see me as anything but Vader reincarnated. So he’ll be addressing a person that never existed and I’ll be falling away and what, exactly, will we have accomplished? I can tell you right now I’ll be too anxious to eat before I meet him, and after, and during every visit with him. The thought makes me want to vomit now and I don’t even have anything to do so with!”
The old fear is back, the oh-Force-no feeling of standing on a cliff’s edge, of tumbling over, of having taken an irreversible plunge with his mother. Now she knows he actively wanted to die. Did Luke ever tell her? Does she think he’s weak? She wouldn’t be wrong, but the thought hurt anyway. He bit his lip to shut himself up, hard enough to hard blood. Pain. Hunger. The only non-judgmental, steady things to turn to in a galaxy constantly thrown into turbulence. He wrapped his arms around his torso, counting the rib ridges. Starvation - the only guaranteed loyalty left in his life.
I need better icons. Sorry.
When Ben had turned on Luke, he had thought he would be struck down for it. He taunted Luke, then begged him, deliberately letting his defenses down. All those years of pain and suffering could have finally been over. All those nights of being afraid to fall asleep and lose control could have been over. He had been so tired, so worn down, that he had resorted to pleading with his uncle. One quick motion with the lightsaber and it was all over. Unavoidable self defense, Ben had told Luke softly. Nobody will blame you. For a moment, Luke had looked at him with deep enough pity Ben’s heart had soared, thinking it was about to happen-
But no. Of course not. That was never how Ben’s story went. Belatedly, he realized that in his anger he’d been broadcasting the entire memory to his mother. Wincing, he drew away to try to regroup and put up the old, disused walls he’d grown so comfortable with as Kylo Ren. The effort was exhausting. Most things were, these days.
“I expected him to fix me, too. Just not in the way the rest of you were thinking.” One slip during Jedi training and he would never have to deal with this ever again. One accident well placed and timed, that was all he had needed. Groaning, he scrubbed his tired eyes. “Everyone assumes I wanted to make it out of the fire...” Like he’d set the Jedi Temple ablaze with himself inside out of some tactical error? He was much smarter than that. There wasn’t supposed to be an exit strategy beyond that. If Ben hadn’t gotten afraid at the last second of what burning alive would feel like, this would all have been over years ago. Too weak to die, too weak to live, he thought bitterly, loudly enough for his mother to hear.
“I don’t want to shout with him, or throw things with the Force, or anything of that ilk. Contrary to what the world thinks, I don’t relish theatrics and arguments that can be heard two systems away. But everyone’s so used to their version of me they’ll expect it. Luke will expect it. And I can’t do it anymore – I can’t pretend to be that person because I don’t even know if I am a person at all. I cannot continue on these two-men Jedi-Sith drama plays that are so traditional. I don’t have the energy in me to fight him and he doesn’t have it in him to see me as anything but Vader reincarnated. So he’ll be addressing a person that never existed and I’ll be falling away and what, exactly, will we have accomplished? I can tell you right now I’ll be too anxious to eat before I meet him, and after, and during every visit with him. The thought makes me want to vomit now and I don’t even have anything to do so with!”
The old fear is back, the oh-Force-no feeling of standing on a cliff’s edge, of tumbling over, of having taken an irreversible plunge with his mother. Now she knows he actively wanted to die. Did Luke ever tell her? Does she think he’s weak? She wouldn’t be wrong, but the thought hurt anyway. He bit his lip to shut himself up, hard enough to hard blood. Pain. Hunger. The only non-judgmental, steady things to turn to in a galaxy constantly thrown into turbulence. He wrapped his arms around his torso, counting the rib ridges. Starvation - the only guaranteed loyalty left in his life.