"Luke never came to my aid before, I doubt he'll break that tradition now," Ben quips, but the humor is laced with venom, with hurt borne of never being good enough for his uncle to care for, things never being bad enough for Luke to say anything but 'try to meditate again', never a nephew but a Jedi-in-training, not family but a living weapon. A part of Ben wanted to hit Luke. Another part of him knew he already had, more effectively than anyone else ever could, by killing the other padawans. And he didn't even have the decency to kill me in return, some sick part of Ben's childish subconscious whispered, pained and forsaken in equal measures.
The only way to move forward with life was to make a new one, a new persona, a new path. That meant not leaning on Luke again. Luke's only fear seemed to be Ben entering his life again and even if Ben couldn't fix everything that had happened, he could stay out of his way, at the very least. Ben had set ablaze everything and everyone Luke had cared about and worked so hard for and then he'd tried to goad him into killing his only nephew. Leia wasn't there that night, hadn't seen everything hit peak levels of desperation and hurt. It was going to haunt Ben and Luke until they died. There was a grief too profound to put into words lingering in every glance shared between them. Ben hated himself, mildly despised Luke, but above all he hated that so long as he was alive, he could still do more damage. How much further could he push Luke before the poor man snapped? How much could one person be asked to bear? Eventually, someone was going to realize having Ben around wasn't worth inflicting this on Luke.
If people had to choose between the Jedi Master and Jedi slayer, Ben was under no delusions that he'd win. The longer he went without coming into contact with Luke, the longer he would be able to stay here.
"There are some things people don't heal from," he said quietly, pinching the bridge of his nose. He wanted to break everything in the room just to see something shatter, to feel something give out underneath him. "I can't stop you from involving him, but let's not pretend things are going to be fine if we just try hard enough. That's not how this family works."
If trying hard was all it took, he wouldn't have ended up in Snoke's clutches to begin with. He wondered if the creator of fasting meditation ever had to deal with this, if people had ever turned to her and expected her to sit down and talk it out. If so, suddenly her inability to stop and eventual death made a lot more sense. This wasn't going to help. The thought of Luke made him regret sharing any of this at all and want to double down until he was so strong in the Light that his uncle would believe him when he spoke for once. This was the opposite of a reason to stop. 'Why are you doing this', Rey had asked. And then, as now, Ben's only reply is simple: why not?
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The only way to move forward with life was to make a new one, a new persona, a new path. That meant not leaning on Luke again. Luke's only fear seemed to be Ben entering his life again and even if Ben couldn't fix everything that had happened, he could stay out of his way, at the very least. Ben had set ablaze everything and everyone Luke had cared about and worked so hard for and then he'd tried to goad him into killing his only nephew. Leia wasn't there that night, hadn't seen everything hit peak levels of desperation and hurt. It was going to haunt Ben and Luke until they died. There was a grief too profound to put into words lingering in every glance shared between them. Ben hated himself, mildly despised Luke, but above all he hated that so long as he was alive, he could still do more damage. How much further could he push Luke before the poor man snapped? How much could one person be asked to bear? Eventually, someone was going to realize having Ben around wasn't worth inflicting this on Luke.
If people had to choose between the Jedi Master and Jedi slayer, Ben was under no delusions that he'd win. The longer he went without coming into contact with Luke, the longer he would be able to stay here.
"There are some things people don't heal from," he said quietly, pinching the bridge of his nose. He wanted to break everything in the room just to see something shatter, to feel something give out underneath him. "I can't stop you from involving him, but let's not pretend things are going to be fine if we just try hard enough. That's not how this family works."
If trying hard was all it took, he wouldn't have ended up in Snoke's clutches to begin with. He wondered if the creator of fasting meditation ever had to deal with this, if people had ever turned to her and expected her to sit down and talk it out. If so, suddenly her inability to stop and eventual death made a lot more sense. This wasn't going to help. The thought of Luke made him regret sharing any of this at all and want to double down until he was so strong in the Light that his uncle would believe him when he spoke for once. This was the opposite of a reason to stop. 'Why are you doing this', Rey had asked. And then, as now, Ben's only reply is simple: why not?