He had come so close to losing everyone he loved. To be taken out of the fight left him adrift; First Order or Resistance, he was a fighter, a protector, someone who could grit his teeth and follow orders if it meant they'd all make it out alive. All his life he had been desperate for friends and now he had them, only to have to leave them to their own devices. It didn't make sense. He would have hurt less if he had never had them at all. He wished he hadn't given his father his lightsaber. He used to turn it over in his hands as a reminder he wasn't all destruction, he could create, too, he could make things, he was multi-faceted and real like any person was. Now he wasn't so sure about that last part.
"Jedi aren't supposed to be afraid," he deadpanned, a note of genuine self-loathing in his voice. "Clearly, you've never met my uncle." Jedi and Sith alike were supposed to push that emotion down, work past it, be better than their base instincts. Just one more way he was failing at all this, it seemed. Force help him, he was so tired, so weary of the past and wary of the future. He didn't want to kill himself, but he wouldn't mind if his heart gave out on the spot, either. Mostly he wanted to cry and sleep and not wake up.
How was he supposed to resist the temptation to give up when he wasn't sure there were any other options? He looked at the scanner with tired eyes. He was trying so hard to keep something in him from giving out, but the future seemed so large, an ocean in which Ben was just a speck. He looked at his mother, exhausted. How could she love him when there wasn't anything there to love? She'd see that soon enough, see him fade out as if being swallowed by static, and then what? What would she do, now that she knew what was going on in his head and had to deal with seeing it in person? That was so much to ask her to deal with. Sorry. Sorry for everything, sorry for being broken, sorry I can't fix myself. Useless. If life was an ocean, Ben was leaden weight wrapped around Leia's neck as she tried to keep her head above water.
"How do I put the scanner on?" he asked, his voice giving away he already thought it was a fruitless endeavor. "I've had some strange devices implemented in medical treatments over the years, but I've never had a brain scan or anything."
That was likely how the First Order doctors had missed it. Too busy tending to strained muscles or blaster burns, they'd never paused to think about other things.
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Date: 2016-12-22 05:20 am (UTC)"Jedi aren't supposed to be afraid," he deadpanned, a note of genuine self-loathing in his voice. "Clearly, you've never met my uncle." Jedi and Sith alike were supposed to push that emotion down, work past it, be better than their base instincts. Just one more way he was failing at all this, it seemed. Force help him, he was so tired, so weary of the past and wary of the future. He didn't want to kill himself, but he wouldn't mind if his heart gave out on the spot, either. Mostly he wanted to cry and sleep and not wake up.
How was he supposed to resist the temptation to give up when he wasn't sure there were any other options? He looked at the scanner with tired eyes. He was trying so hard to keep something in him from giving out, but the future seemed so large, an ocean in which Ben was just a speck. He looked at his mother, exhausted. How could she love him when there wasn't anything there to love? She'd see that soon enough, see him fade out as if being swallowed by static, and then what? What would she do, now that she knew what was going on in his head and had to deal with seeing it in person? That was so much to ask her to deal with. Sorry. Sorry for everything, sorry for being broken, sorry I can't fix myself. Useless. If life was an ocean, Ben was leaden weight wrapped around Leia's neck as she tried to keep her head above water.
"How do I put the scanner on?" he asked, his voice giving away he already thought it was a fruitless endeavor. "I've had some strange devices implemented in medical treatments over the years, but I've never had a brain scan or anything."
That was likely how the First Order doctors had missed it. Too busy tending to strained muscles or blaster burns, they'd never paused to think about other things.