"She needs to know how to incorporate the Force into her movements. That sort of thing cannot be learned from Finn, because he doesn't know it. I have to teach her how to fight, I can't lose her to my own weaknesses. I l- I care, about her. You don't understand," he snapped, irritation flashing through him. Not just irritation, but fear, too, fear that he would slip into an episode and Rey would die and none of it would mean a thing until it was too late to help. "And I don't see how these supplements will keep me from slipping out of myself, which is the bigger problem given it's what led to me not eating. I've tried vitamins. Vitamins, herbs, supplements, anything that I came across during my entire life that held promise at least got a trial run, and none of it ever worked. All this will do is condemn me to another episode."
The panic was overwhelming. He wanted to take it back, go back in time and never admit to anything, never admit he had a problem. This wasn't just going to cost them the war, this would cost them everything. Rey, Finn, himself, no one was going to be alright unless they worked together and he could do nothing sitting in some room all day popping vitamins and forcing down meals instead of aiding in their battle.
He hated himself, suddenly. He was so useless. Ben had always been an instrument of the Force, even when it felt like he was just that and not a person. Why had he fought tooth and nail to get his Force powers back if he couldn't use them? What was the point of even being here - more than that, why was he even alive? His thoughts rammed together, overlapping, a blur of waste-of-resources-holding-everyone-back-going-to-lose-everything.
And the worst part was knowing that he would fade away again and not be able to care about it, that he'd watch it all unfold without being able to even verbalize a protest. Ben deflated, anger giving way to a sense of complete defeat. So this was it. Surviving the Dark Side, changing himself, turning to the Light, trying to do the right thing, and his reward was to be damned to total depersonalization.
He barely even noticed his mother's presence. She might be beside him, but just like when he was a child, he was alone in all the ways that counted.
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Date: 2016-12-22 02:48 am (UTC)The panic was overwhelming. He wanted to take it back, go back in time and never admit to anything, never admit he had a problem. This wasn't just going to cost them the war, this would cost them everything. Rey, Finn, himself, no one was going to be alright unless they worked together and he could do nothing sitting in some room all day popping vitamins and forcing down meals instead of aiding in their battle.
He hated himself, suddenly. He was so useless. Ben had always been an instrument of the Force, even when it felt like he was just that and not a person. Why had he fought tooth and nail to get his Force powers back if he couldn't use them? What was the point of even being here - more than that, why was he even alive? His thoughts rammed together, overlapping, a blur of waste-of-resources-holding-everyone-back-going-to-lose-everything.
And the worst part was knowing that he would fade away again and not be able to care about it, that he'd watch it all unfold without being able to even verbalize a protest. Ben deflated, anger giving way to a sense of complete defeat. So this was it. Surviving the Dark Side, changing himself, turning to the Light, trying to do the right thing, and his reward was to be damned to total depersonalization.
He barely even noticed his mother's presence. She might be beside him, but just like when he was a child, he was alone in all the ways that counted.