Ben had taken care to make it look like he was getting decent sleep, having combed the tangles out of his thick hair and changed into a different outfit that didn't look slept in before they arrived. He wanted to project an air of authority, but he knew he wasn't, right now. He was doing well to manage an air of calm that probably still didn't fool his mother for a second. This whole thing was a bag of mixed emotions. He wanted to get this over with, he didn't want to do this. He wanted to get better. He feared what that might entail.
He hadn't had to ask his mother to come with him, she volunteered it. There was a lot of weight to that, a kind of support that went beyond this, the gesture meaning more than just 'I'm here for you now'. She would be here for him permanently, and he knew that now. That was what enabled him to face this shameful experience as well as he was. He had even worn less layers than usual - all he had to do was remove his coat to show what he looked like in a shirt that actually fit properly.
"No," he said softly, inhaling and exhaling a controlled breath. "But I know if I wait until I feel I am, I'll find excuses not to ever do this." He felt like he was deploying to some distant, dangerous world to train towards some distant goal. Then he looked at his mother, and squared his shoulders. "Let's do this."
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Date: 2016-12-18 03:37 am (UTC)He hadn't had to ask his mother to come with him, she volunteered it. There was a lot of weight to that, a kind of support that went beyond this, the gesture meaning more than just 'I'm here for you now'. She would be here for him permanently, and he knew that now. That was what enabled him to face this shameful experience as well as he was. He had even worn less layers than usual - all he had to do was remove his coat to show what he looked like in a shirt that actually fit properly.
"No," he said softly, inhaling and exhaling a controlled breath. "But I know if I wait until I feel I am, I'll find excuses not to ever do this." He felt like he was deploying to some distant, dangerous world to train towards some distant goal. Then he looked at his mother, and squared his shoulders. "Let's do this."