"Days. The - the worst episode lasted nine days, actually," he said, shrinking back slightly as if the question was intimidating. Even though she wasn't judging him, some part of him felt defensive, as if he needed to elaborate on Leia's explanation, explain it was all on accident. He never sat down and decided that he would be like this, he thought he was in control, at first. None of them understood how easy it was to get addicted to something that offered reprisal from the episodes of total depersonalization. "Everything else feels just as distant, like characters in a holonovel. At its' worst I can look at people and just see a Force signature and muscles and sound instead of processing that they're a person. It's... it's always been like that. When I was a child and my first pet died, I didn't cry until two days later. Until I got back to normal, there wasn't enough of me left to feel bad." Leia might remember that Ben's first pet died when he was five, but that was just the first real incident he could remember; he was certain it went back further.
Swallowing, he tried to offer up what might be helpful details. This was humiliating, but the sooner he spoke, the sooner they'd get it over with. "The only things that snap me out of it are things like immediate danger, physical pain, or other intense sensations like extreme heat or cold. The original concept of hunger meditation was introduced with a time limit of no more than 48 hours without food, but it staved off the episodes for so long I ignored that rule. You have to understand, normally I only have a few days as myself, four at most, without at least a brief episode. I couldn't find any other way to fight it off. I'm dangerous, when I'm out of myself like that, and I didn't want to be. I don't want to be now, either, not when I'm finally back with those I care about. I know I likely sound insane, but ironically, I was only trying to keep my sanity."
Which was the bitter irony of it. His attempts to do the right thing had only worsened everything, made him skittish and easily angered and all the other symptoms of a man suffering from altered brain chemistry due to starvation. Even now, he wasn't on an even keel, not if his tears the night before were any indication. He was better, but still awful. At times it was like trying to finish a race where the finish line was always being moved. There was no way he could continue this uphill run his entire life, and there was no way he could manage on his own.
As much as he hated Doctor Kalonia's gaze on his too-thin body, the fact of the matter was that he was running out of time. He knew he'd kill himself if he kept this up. Bodies needed fuel. And that was why he forced himself not to turn away when all he wanted was to be anywhere but here.
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Date: 2016-12-18 10:47 am (UTC)Swallowing, he tried to offer up what might be helpful details. This was humiliating, but the sooner he spoke, the sooner they'd get it over with. "The only things that snap me out of it are things like immediate danger, physical pain, or other intense sensations like extreme heat or cold. The original concept of hunger meditation was introduced with a time limit of no more than 48 hours without food, but it staved off the episodes for so long I ignored that rule. You have to understand, normally I only have a few days as myself, four at most, without at least a brief episode. I couldn't find any other way to fight it off. I'm dangerous, when I'm out of myself like that, and I didn't want to be. I don't want to be now, either, not when I'm finally back with those I care about. I know I likely sound insane, but ironically, I was only trying to keep my sanity."
Which was the bitter irony of it. His attempts to do the right thing had only worsened everything, made him skittish and easily angered and all the other symptoms of a man suffering from altered brain chemistry due to starvation. Even now, he wasn't on an even keel, not if his tears the night before were any indication. He was better, but still awful. At times it was like trying to finish a race where the finish line was always being moved. There was no way he could continue this uphill run his entire life, and there was no way he could manage on his own.
As much as he hated Doctor Kalonia's gaze on his too-thin body, the fact of the matter was that he was running out of time. He knew he'd kill himself if he kept this up. Bodies needed fuel. And that was why he forced himself not to turn away when all he wanted was to be anywhere but here.